Waiting with Purpose
So you finally finished the mounds of paperwork to complete your adoption. Now all you have to do is wait. At least while you were working on the paperwork, you had something to keep your mind occupied. You were so busy you barely had time to think about the empty room you would soon fill with a child (or children). But now there is nothing left to be done and the silence is deafening. So now what?
I know this time can be discouraging. We were told our process would take 4-8 months and it turned into 18 months. While waiting can be difficult, do your best not to throw yourself a pity party. This will be very easy to do as you will have sympathy from many. While of course there will be difficult days and you should share that with others, try not to wallow. Remind yourself that God is in complete control and his timing is perfect.
There are many important things you can do while you are waiting. I would like to outline a simple list for you here:
- Spend more time with the Lord. You may already be seeking God daily which is great. Once you add another child into your life, your little one will take up lots of your time. Use this time now to memorize verses which will encourage you during this time of waiting and the challenging times of parenting to come. If you are having a tough time thinking of ways to enhance your time with the Lord, check out Dr. Donald Whitney’s book, Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life. Adoption can be a trying time spiritually, seek the Lord and he will renew your faith.
- Spend quality time with your family. If you do not yet have children take advantage of date nights. You can go out and stay out! Make those late night runs to Krispy Kreme or catch a good movie. Go over to friends’ houses, make the most of this. If you have children spend special time with them. Take them to the park, on dates with you, the museum, story time, etc. You will likely not be able to focus as much attention on them right when your new arrival comes.
- Work on grants and fund raising. We all know adoptions are usually a little pricey. Now is a great time to apply for grants and raise funds. Click on our link Adoption Funding for a list of places to go for grants and a great selection of articles on funding an adoption. There are some great ideas out there.
- Serve others. One way not to succumb to self pity is by taking your focus off of you and putting it on others. What can you (and any children you may have) do for others? A few ideas: take a meal to someone going through a difficult or busy season in life, visit the nursing home, ask how you can help out at church, volunteer to baby-sit for friends . . . .I am sure you can easily come up with something.
- Prepare for your child. Go ahead and get his or her room ready. I would personally avoid buying many clothes yet. As much as you hope to have them home soon, soon can turn into later and then they’ve already grown out of the clothes you purchased for them. There are some things that you will need that likely won’t change . . . bedding, décor, toys, school supplies,etc. Now is a good time to make room for future clothes, shoes, and toys. It’s also a great time to stock up on medicines. Ask around and see what you should be taking on your trip if you are adopting internationally. All children eventually get sick and it is best to have Tylenol, Motrin, Pedialyte, band-aids, Neosporin, and a thermometer readily available. Make sure you have the phone number for poison control on your fridge! If you are adopting a baby, many local hospitals have free classes on caring for infants. This might be a great option to check into.
- Read. There are many great books on parenting as well as parenting adopted children. Check out our Bookstore for some great ideas.
- Get Ahead. Make a few meals and stick them in the freezer. Once little junior is home and you don’t feel like cooking (or are just too busy), just pull out a meal. Go to the dentist, get your hair done, all those little appointments you’ve been meaning to schedule, now is the time. Even if it’s not spring, go ahead and get some spring cleaning done. You’ll be glad you did once you have less time.
- Find a pediatrician. If you don’t already have one, now is a great time to find a pediatrician. Ask around and call your local pediatricians. Ask if they see many adopted children. Many times you can meet with the doctor personally before deciding if his or her practice is right for you. Make sure to ask if they are currently taking new patients.
These are just a few ideas and I know you can come up with more. Don’t look back on this time with regret. God has purpose for your wait time, so get busy waiting!
Orphaned, Raped, and Ignored
NY Times columnist praises the help that has been given to Haiti and urges for the same help and generosity to the Congolese whose war has claimed at least 30x as many lives as the Haitian earthquake.
In Orphaned, Raped, and Ignored he shares the story of Chance, an orphaned and raped little girl, living each day, hoping the soldiers don’t come back….again.
“hoping that the fortitude of survivors like them can inspire world leaders to step forward to stop this slaughter. It’s time to show the same compassion toward Congo that we have toward Haiti.”
What No One Ever Told Me About Special Needs Adoption
Adopting several children from China has been a joy-filled, faith-building, abundant adventure. We have four biological children and feel as though we are experienced parents. However, sometimes even experienced parents can find that they are not adequately prepared for some issues.
During November of 2006, we decided that we would pursue a special needs child on a waiting child list. Our agency diligently prepared us for parenting a child with special needs. Our adopted daughter was born with a congenital right limb transverse deficiency. This is a lot of medical jargon to say that her right arm ends 3 inches above where her elbow would have been. She has one little partial digit on that limb. While preparing for her adoption, I read about limb differences and I considered the challenges we may face as a family. I prepared for the possibilities of surgery and maybe prosthetics. I learned the proper, politically correct terminology for limb differences and prepared my children at home for the difference they would see in their new sister.
I was very pleased with the amount of preparation that went into the adoption of a special need child. However, once she was placed in my arms and I began to watch this little girl unfold, I realized that there were some serious issues that we were not prepared for. In fact, I am pretty certain that these issues were not ever once disclaimed to me or my husband by any social worker.
Here is a list of items that no social worker ever prepared us for:
1. No one ever told us that when we had our adopted “special needs” daughter evaluated by an occupational therapist, that she would be 6-months ahead of her typically developing two-armed peers in motor development
2. No one ever told me that at age 2, she would figure out how to climb to the top of a bunk bed with her one arm just to admire her brother’s trophies on a high shelf.
3. No one ever told me that she would be only 19 pounds but have the desire, tenacity, and strength of a Super Bowl bound football team.
4. No one ever told me that in one short year of knowing her I would learn more about not giving up than I had in all of my lifetime.
5. No one ever told me that her older brothers would be so touched by the beauty that she emits even with her “imperfect” arm that they would tell her everyday how beautiful she is.
6. No one ever told me that she would touch the lives of total strangers with her genuine zest for life.
7. No one ever told me that a 2-year-old from China would be so grateful for pretty clothes and a family to call her own.
8. No one ever told me that our “special needs” daughter would learn to balance on a regular swing and pump her legs earlier than any of our “non-special needs” kiddos did.
9. No one ever told me that our daughter was just a regular child disguised as a “special needs” child because her arm is a little different.
10. No one ever told me that when our family stepped out in faith thinking we would make a difference in this little girl’s life, that we would be the ones whose lives were changed and were blessed beyond measure in just knowing this little fire cracker whom we call Bethany Grace.
If you are reading this and you are a family that is considering a “special needs” adoption, I just want to warn you that there are some things that no one may ever prepare you for. There are some hidden blessings and unexpected pleasures that you may find as a surprise. And just for the record, I have gotten over the fact that our social worker did not prepare us for the above mentioned items.
Caring for African Hair & Skin
A Promise from Ethiopia (now inactive):
I know that I, like many people adopting African or African American children, panicked at the very thought of caring for the hair and skin of these beautiful children. After considerable trial and error, and some great advice from other women, we have hit on some things that work for us. Thought I’d share what we have learned.
Hair: We wash Kali’s hair only once a week with a normal tearfree baby shampoo. After washing, we put a good quality conditioner in her hair (we’ve been using Pantene for curl definition), comb it through, let it sit in her hair for a few minutes and then rinse. Those little curls just perk right up after this washing and her hair is sooooooo soft!! Throughout the rest of the week, I will get it wet every other day and spray a good leave-in conditioner in it before it dries. I have been using Carol’s Daughter Black Vanilla. It’s a little pricey, but it too leaves Kali’s curls very soft … and it smells really good too! And that’s it. As for hair styles, her hair is still pretty short so we’re not at the braiding stage yet. Most mornings it’s a headband or a few barrettes. On weekends when we have more time, she may get puffs, but she really doesn’t like it when I put puffs in. I think she prefers the natural, care-free afro!
Skin: Kali has very dry skin. We do give her a bath every night and use baby wash for cleaning. But we have to immediately lotion her up after her bath to keep her skin from getting too dry. I’ve run the gamet on trying to find the right lotion … my personal favorites for myself have always been Lubriderm and Aveeno, but neither of those worked for Kali. In the mornings her skin would just be too dry. I finally hit on Eucerin Plus. This one works very well, but I have to warn you … it is very greasy. Now I use Gold Bond Ultimate with Shea Butter. This one is not greasy at all and it keeps Kali’s skin very soft and supple. I like this one the very best!
Face: This poor little thing has not been able to get over a cold and allergies for at least the past 3 weeks. Her nose has been running like a faucet, it seems like forever. Needless to say, with all of the nose wiping, the skin under her nose and around her mouth had become EXTREMELY dry, to the point of being flaky. I advise against putting any kind of regular hand or body lotion on your child’s face … it will make their face break out. So I hit the face products aisle at Wal Mart. Do you know how hard it is to find a good face lotion that isn’t supposed to be geared toward fine lines and wrinkles? Don’t think I need to worry about that with this little girl for quite some time. I tried Aveeno, I tried Neutrogena, I tried Oil of Olay, I tried the Wal Mart brand … I even tried the good stuff, Estee Lauder. None of it seemed to work. So here’s the funny part … I remembered that Vitamin E is very good for your skin and for helping scars heal. Wouldn’t you know it, it’s also much less expensive than any face product … and it worked! Just a drop applied to her skin once a day and after just a few days, the dryness and flaky skin was gone! Her nose is still running, but that’s another issue altogether!
Just a few side notes … Kali has a tendancy to get these small warts, called molluscum, on her face and neck. She had several on her eyelid and the edge of her lip when we first met her that she soon scratched off. Over the past 8 months, new ones developed on her chin and her neck. The pediatrician kept telling us these were nothing to worry about, and everything I read tells me that this is quite common in children and eventually goes away. But still, it drove me crazy to see these things, seemingly getting bigger every day, on her pretty little face. Thankfully, she did end up scratching them off on her face and now we only have one left on her neck. I asked Belay about these when we were in Ethiopia and he too said that it is very common … and he suggested using Compound-W to get rid of them. On her face??? NOT!! I hope new ones don’t develop, but at least I now know that when they go away, there is no discernible scar left after they heal. The other item is the ringworm … another common little pest. Kali got this lovely fungus right in the middle of her forehead … a week before picture day at the daycare too!! Lotrimin … works wonders!! Even says it right on the label … “for ringworm”. Keep some in the medicine cabinet … you just never know.
Happy hair and skin care!!
How to Research an Agency’s Reputation
The first thing you should do when considering an agency is to call the state licensing office for each state in which the agency is licensed. Many agencies carry multiple state licenses. It is vital that you call each state. Ask the state licensing office if the agency has a current license; how long they have been licensed; if any complaints have been filed against them; and if they have ever been sanctioned or disciplined by the licensing office. You can find the numbers for the state licensing offices on the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse Website.
If an agency is not licensed, it is considered a facilitator, and families should carefully consider whether the facilitator has the staff, knowledge and expertise to arrange adoptions.
The next step is to contact the Better Business Bureau in the area the agency is located in to see if any complaints have been filed. It is also a good idea to do an Internet search on the agency. See if there are any complaints against the agency listed on family pages; pages that contain adoption agency ratings, or in the media. When checking websites which contain agency ratings, it is a good idea to see who runs the agency and if the website is connected to any particular agency, consortium of agencies, or other group which may be less than unbiased.
Third, families should seek out online email discussion groups for the countries they are interested in adopting from. There are groups for virtually every country, and multiple groups for some countries. One listing of groups is available at Yahoo Groups. More can be found at Comeunity.com Families should ask the group for their experiences, both positive and negative, with a certain agency. It is also VITAL to ask for experiences with the facilitator or in-country staff. Facilitators often work for many different agencies; and experiences of those who worked with the same facilitator, even if with a different agency, can be helpful. In addition, if an agency has had major problems in any country, not just the one you are interested in, be cautious. Such problems could be the sign of a program that is not well managed. However, it is possible to have problems with a particular in-country facilitator that would not necessarily be the fault of the agency itself.
While it is true that virtually any agency could have a complaint or two that was filed by a disgruntled client, one should be concerned if a pattern exists. Consider the severity of the complaint; the number of complaints; and perhaps most importantly, the agency’s response when you inquire about the complaint. Some agencies strictly warn against posting to Internet listservs for references. If an agency has nothing to hide, they shouldn’t be concerned if you ask questions.
Too, some families discount the stories they hear from other clients because they have talked to the agency and feel comfortable with them. Agencies may tell families that the other clients were difficult; or that there is no truth to the rumors about their facilitators. All of that may be true, but if there is a lot of smoke, perhaps there is a fire there somewhere. Families often spend much more time deciding what kind of car to buy than in deciding whom to use for an adoption. Take the time to choose carefully. Any agency can experience a problem or two; and agencies are sometimes involved in difficult situations through no fault of their own. The true test of an agency is not that they’ve never been involved in a conflict; it’s in how they handled the conflict. If they handled a previous difficult situation well, their previous clients will likely acknowledge that. Every family wants to think well of the agency that brought them their child. When they don’t it should be cause for concern. Ignoring red flags that arise in your search for an agency could be a recipe for disaster.
Orphanage Director in Haiti Talks About UNICEF
This should be my last anti-UNICEF article for a little while, but read this post in which the director of a Haitian orphanage writes about his experience with UNICEF.
Gospel-Patience
Read Dan Cruver’s article about what’s needed to adopt from Haiti.
“Given the current situation in Haiti, here is my question to those who are interested in adopting a child from Haiti: “How long are you willing to wait to give a Haitian orphan a home?” My concern is that our compassion for Haiti’s orphans, our desire to give them a home, won’t have the necessary patience (endurance) to see it through. What Haiti’s orphans need once adoption opens back up is Christians who have gospel-endurance”
Adoption, UNICEF, & Haiti
My blog posts have slowed considerably the last few days, as UNICEF has flexed its’ muscles in Haiti, encouraging the Haitian government to essentially shut down any adoption from that country.
Let us not feign surprise here.
UNICEF has been against international adoptions for a long time. They speak with a fair amount of warmhearted goobly gook about the ‘best interests of the child’, as if anyone who disagrees with their conclusions must by definition be against the ‘best interests of the child’, but in the end, once you cut through all the verbiage, they’re simply not in favor.
WWUNICEFD?
What would UNICEF do? In their perfectly ordered world, an orphan child would go through a process to verify that it’s an actual orphan. Then, they would try and match that child with an aunt, uncle or some other family member. If that fails, they look for another family in the country. If none shows up, theywould look for a foreign national living in the child’s country of origin. If they can’t find a foreign national, then begrudgingly, they might be in favor of that child moving across a national border to a loving family.
I’m not sure what’s at stake here…the best interest of the child or the nation-pandering that UNICEF needs to engage in to keep this charade alive.
Let’s apply their logic and processes to….oh, let’s say Haiti.
Officially, there were 200 orphanages registered in Port-au-Prince alone in 2006. That’s an official number…who knows how many unregistered orphanages existed, as registering with the Haitian government was something akin to painting “Hassle us!” on the sidewalk in front of your building.
Those orphanages were almost all at capacity, whether that capacity was 8 or 80. Some children were adopted out – not as many as you’d expect though.
In 2008, only 301 children were adopted in the US. 301 children from a country with 200-plus orphanages in one city. We were not emptying their streets of children.
We don’t have an exact number, but anecdotally, I can tell you, many of the kids were not ‘technical orphans’. Most were given to the orphanage because a family member couldn’t care for them…and in many of those cases, they’d already been passed from family member to family member before the family gave up and asked the orphanage to take their child.
This is the ‘extended family’ that UNICEF wants to find for these kids…the same extended family that placed them in the orphanage. It’s hard to fathom them greeting little Jean-Paul with “We’re so glad you’re back! We couldn’t care for you before the earthquake, but now, UNICEF is here!”.
After the extended family is ruled out, for some reason UNICEF thinks the kids would be better off staying in Haiti, even if with foreigners…as if to not live in Haiti might rob these children of an opportunity. The opportunity to see sewage run in the streets or witness death everyday, perhaps. After all, that is the bulk of Hatians’ experience right now, and will be for some time. UNICEF doesn’t want a child to miss that rich cultural exchange.
UNICEF pulled this some years back in Romania. Romanian adoption has since closed as they became convinced that they somehow could deal with the needs of their children by drawing on the resources of their impoverished country.
I won’t begin to describe the effect. You can read this BBC acount of life in Romanian orphanages today. As you read that story, remember, Romania is rich next to Haiti.
Again, I’m not proposing the US government scoop children off the streets – although that’s the language used to try and scare people into thinking Uncle Unicef knows best.
I’m for orderly, legal, and responsible adoption.
UNICEF is for more of what you see now.
Rosalynn’s Hope
Today was a great day at Ninth & O Baptist Church, our church home. It was the official launch of our orphan care ministry, Rosalynn’s Hope. Go to its website if you would like to read about the ministry, and follow it on twitter. Suzanne and I are involved in the resourcing area of the ministry. We will meet with people that are considering adoption or those that have already decided to adopt but have questions. Also, we will be active in adding to the blog. Most of the material that we add to Rosalynn’s Hope blog will be posted on Redeeming Orphans also. We’re extremely excited to see how God is going to use this ministry to glorify himself through our caring for the “fatherless.”
By the way, our son is the enormous Ethiopian with the great laugh in the video.
Previous Articles
